It is so much easier seeing her f2f. I thought that I would miss the email, and I do still want to e-mail her too (that's extremely limited now). When it was e-mail only, in between seeing her about every other month - less during the winter when roads weren't too good - I obsessed about therapy all the time. I always felt like I wasn't getting it right and she was frustrated with me all the time, and it would go on for weeks and weeks without getting any approval for anything that I did. It made me miserable, and it affected my whole life - everything that I did. I don't know if she understands how hard that was. I was so desperate for a sign of approval and for her to show that she cared about me or liked me or thought that I was worthwhile.

It is so much easier to feel that now that I see her in person every other week. I wish it were every week though, or even twice a week would be good (although I couldn't go that often). I can hang onto it for almost a week before I start forgetting everything. When I see her f2f I feel more like she actually cares about me. Even when it was email, part of me knew that she cared, I think, but most of me kept thinking that I was a bother and a nuisance to her and that she wished I would disappear.

What I am wondering if I should tell her (part of me wants to tell her and the rest is very afraid) is that last Fall when I was suicidal, it was all about her. She was going to terminate me because I wasn't getting anything right and I was getting so frustrated that she kept saying it was wrong (we were working on CBT exercises, but she's primarily psychodynamic and I don't really do so well with CBT, and I think she was trying to add a psychodynamic twist in there that I was missing). She apologized for not listening when what I kept saying was that I couldn't do it (I didn't say that in so many words, but I was begging for some approval and acceptance or even a bit of casual chat). I was suicidal because she is my last hope, and if she gives up on me, I will have nothing to hang on to and I will give up too.

The thing that pushed me towards the edge was not being able to get an appointment when I really needed to see her. I remember that I had an appointment on Oct. 7th, and had to change it because a class was changed to the 7th from the 14th in order to accomodate a classmate who was going to be out of town. I could have said no, that doesn't work for me, but I couldn't do that to my classmate - he would have had to fail the class if he had to miss that weekend. So I told T I couldn't go on the 7th, and said maybe the 14th would work. I assumed she would schedule me on the 14th, but she didn't respond, and when I finally asked her why she didn't give me a time, she said that I had never asked for an appointment and it was too late - she had none available. The next that she had was 3 weeks away, on November 4th. All these dates are stuck in my head now, probably permanently (I still remember that the first time I went to see her it took 3 hours and 17 minutes to get there, and that was more than 2 years ago now).

Since I had told my husband I had an appointment on the 14th, I was going to just not tell him that I didn't afterall, and I was going to drive out as if I was going, and just not make it. I had convinced myself that she would be glad that I was gone and wouldn't bother her anymore. I want to tell her that I was thinking that way (5 months ago now), and that I think that my thinking was really messed up, but I want her to confirm that I would have been wrong, and that she wouldn't have actually been relieved that she didn't have to bother with me anymore. I want to be reassured that she really does care about me. And I also want to confess that ever since then, when I drive over the mountains on the way to and from seeing her, the thought of having an "accident" keeps popping up even though that isn't something that I want to do now. It's a little bit scary, and I worry about what if she said she was going to terminate me again, and I'm not ready. It would be too easy, but I don't want to sound like I am threatening anything. I heard on the radio about that same highway being closed due to an accident one morning, and that was one of the thoughts that came up then too. I think it just takes a while for the idea to go away, but maybe it shouldn't take this long. I'm not doing so bad now.

What do you think? Should I tell her? I know she won't like it, and it is scary.