Rampunzel, I hear you...Last time I felt suicidal was also because of t...I just wish t's would explore the transference there instead of rushing to be critical of our 'poor thinking' mechanisms....One time I felt suicidal when I called her for comfort, I was in terrible physical pain and turned to her for the comfort she always doled out so generously...but on that particular day I felt she shoo'ed me away, she said, 'call a friend...' not so much as 'I'm so sorry you're in pain...I'm here for you'....I hung up the phone and turned to my stack of o/d pills..
So now about you...telling her about the time you were suicidal...that it was about her...hmm...I wonder about that...you know your t better than I do....can you foresee her response/reaction? You say she is psychodynamic so I hope she would hear you out and empathize....what kind of response do you hope for? I would hope for a generous dose of empathy....
Say, would you like to take a risk?
I also find f2f a lot more beneficial...something about being the center of another's attention for just a short time....to be listened to without having to give anything back in return (except the monetary fees)...
Perhaps consider once weekly sessions f2f for now....might help you re-center yourself.