I really do prefer living in my dreams rather than being awake. I wake up and it's like my life is so damn empty. My dreams tend to be weird and I have been getting a lot lately. They seem very vivid and all have their own special story to tell. Whenever I am awake I just want to think back to what I dreamed of the night before. Even if it wasn't a very good dream I still prefer it to being alive. I am trapped.

I just want to tear my skin off it's so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone hates and ignores me or thinks I am a stupid idiot. I can't even look my parents in the eye anymore because I feel this pressure in my chest like I could die at any moment. The few glimpses I do catch look like they look at me with shame and spite me. I tried to get help by going to some place on Tuesday but it just seemed to cause more problems and then I get insulted and blamed for putting other people through trouble aka my mom. I just don't want to live or do anything anymore. No one is willing to help me I am better off just trying to live under a bridge or in the woods eating random plants and drinking bridge water than trying to deal with life anymore. I'm sick of my body and I only feel better after I force myself to vomit, even if just a little bit along with drinking some form of alcohol on a daily basis. Though I'm not guaranteed alcohol since I can't go to the store myself.

Both new traits of myself because I can't cope anymore through normal means. I've also tried meditation which I found enjoyable.