Thank you Hooligan, ~Christina, and BipolaRNurse for your advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. For sure, having the actual diagnosis does bring relief in a way, and does help to validate some suspicions I had in the past. I'd told my psychiatrist once that I suspected BP sometimes, but he was reluctant to diagnose me mainly because he has only seen me depressed and in the throes of my PTSD. He suggested maybe cyclothymia, but didn't want to make any official call. I always secretly suspected BP because of my horrible reactions to SSRIs/SNRIs, but this didn't get validated until my neuropsych evaluation, where they told me that was classic of BP and very strong evidence for the diagnosis. So I'm not so sure about my psychiatrist now, but it's hard to find a good one here in Hawaii... I've had two really bad ones in the past that turned me off to even trying to get help for years.

I guess what I mean by "acceptance" is feeling okay with it. Knowing that that's who I am, that there's nothing wrong with it, and that's the hand I was dealt and none of it is my fault. I've gotten to that place with my PTSD, but I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the BP dx because of just realizing how pervasive it is, and how "wrong" some of the things I may do appear to others (mainly my husband). I like what you said, Hooligan, about reminding yourself that your husband isn't BP and what he says is opinion. I think I just crave full understanding from him, only because I've never had it from anyone... I've lived my whole life believing no one else would ever understand me, and spent a lot of time trying to undo those distortions, but deep inside they still creep around. He agreed to go to individual therapy and couples with me to help learn better coping strategies for my mood swings -- has anyone had success with having a partner in therapy to understand your dx better?

It's really encouraging, ~Christina, to hear you say I can still follow my dreams and have a wonderful life. You're right, there are definitely worse dx, and definitely other horrible things people have to deal with. When I compare my life now to ten years ago, I can say I'm in a much better place than I was in many ways. I suppose my fear is what's getting to me, just because right now it feels like everything is so unknown, and it doesn't help that other things are shifting in my life right now: just went from being the breadwinner to part-time for the first time in my adult life, sifting through the maze that is applying to grad school, prepping for the GREs, prepping for my last semester in undergraduate, starting a new job, wondering if I'll be able to handle dealing with children with developmental disorders or not... so many sudden question marks. Gotta work on dealing with uncertainty more with my pdocs I suppose.

I think I will only tell a few trusted friends that I know will love me no matter what, and I've already told them. I can't see any point in making it publicly known or anything, it just seems like it would invite judgment and I already have social anxiety. I really hope to get to a place like you all... I'll work my hardest. Thank you all again so much, this is really helpful.