No I'm not in school. I gave up on life after I graduated high school practically. Became a complete shut-in too afraid to go outside. I was always afraid to go outside actually it just didn't become obvious until I was actually expected to start doing things on my own really. Meanwhile my peers are doing all this being grown up stuff while I can't seem to leave the house to go get the mail or answer the door or use the phone things. My fear of trying to deal with others has ruined my life I think. People tell me I should just overcome my fear yet it just seems like something most people won't understand because it's just something that is so easy for everyone. When it comes to doing anything involving people I just won't do it. It makes me look like an incredibly lazy individual because I won't do a lot of things because everything involves people it seems. I get told I should take baby steps but it has never gotten better. I try to talk about it with other people and some will tell me that they just grew out of it or some other thing that makes me feel stunted and dumb.

I've had a 3 year gap of nothingness because I stopped leaving the house a lot of the time and now I just don't go out at all. The stress of trying to be an adult overwhelmed me. I had never really gained the ability to go out on my own before. I actually never went out on my own before in my entire life mainly except for a few minutes where I walked outside my house on very rare occasions to test myself. Usually horrifying. I feel the same as I did when I was a kid when it comes to socializing and I even tend to hide behind walls and people like a kid. I try to get better and get help yet I always seem to fail and I feel completely broken. How can someone live like this. You don't.

This isn't living it's dying. I am just waiting to die at this point. No one seems to like me and those that do I end up pushing away because I feel they are laughing at me or they are trying to stab me in the back and play tricks on me. I kind of know how this all developed. This ****** way of thinking. This paranoia and fear of people. I guess it all came from one thing and lead to another and then it all fed off of each other and snowballed into the mess that is me.

The worst feeling is how everyone can manage to get over it but me. Then they wipe my face in it and make me feel like a worthless ****. I have multiple homicidal fantasies a day when people irritate me if I ever have to involve myself with people. Even against my own parents. I didn't mention that though when I went to the hospital What was embarrassing was the other day I had cops talking to me because they heard I was suicidal from the hospital I had visited and I somehow made mention of something like "Doesn't everyone have suicidal thoughts?" Which I don't think that is true. It probably just made me sound that much more ****ed in the head. Then it got even more embarrassing cause my dad was honking the horn because he wanted me to hurry up and then he came inside the house and started yelling before realizing there were cops in the house. Also the house looked like a meth house so it was even more embarrassing.

I enjoyed both of those anime.