I found this thing... A little while back now... On the role of facial cues for processing emotion. One notion (that I quite like) is that part of the problem with emotional instability (which I've certainly got) is 'failure to mentalise when the attachment system is active'. The 'failure' can be a bit more of a 'bias' than a 'failure' IMHO but the point is... That it can be really very hard to appropriately attribute intentional states to others when we care about them. All our fears and past hurts and the like... Get in the way.

What she might be noticing (I'm thinking) is that there is INDEED a huge difference between how I am in class when things are fairly objective and more emotionally manageable and how I am with my therapist where I'm so wired up because I care so much. One might say... I regress...

Was the sattelite class one where they projected her onto a tv screen or something like that? See, I read this thing a while back and it was talking about potential problems with online communications where we don't see peoples faces as they communicate what they have to say. We can't hear gentle teasing. We can't see the fond smile. In the absense of such cues we tend to become a little paranoid and mistrustful as to others intentions (out of fear) and add to that emotional attachment and...

Well...

This might go some of the way towards explaining why things didn't go so well by email.

I am so very happy that things seem better when you see her FTF :-)

> I obsessed about therapy all the time. I always felt like I wasn't getting it right and she was frustrated with me all the time, and it would go on for weeks and weeks without getting any approval for anything that I did. It made me miserable, and it affected my whole life - everything that I did. I don't know if she understands how hard that was. I was so desperate for a sign of approval and for her to show that she cared about me or liked me or thought that I was worthwhile.

I think it would be wonderful if you could tell her that.

> When I see her f2f I feel more like she actually cares about me. Even when it was email, part of me knew that she cared, I think, but most of me kept thinking that I was a bother and a nuisance to her and that she wished I would disappear.

And that!

> What I am wondering if I should tell her (part of me wants to tell her and the rest is very afraid) is that last Fall when I was suicidal, it was all about her. She was going to terminate me because I wasn't getting anything right and I was getting so frustrated that she kept saying it was wrong (we were working on CBT exercises, but she's primarily psychodynamic and I don't really do so well with CBT, and I think she was trying to add a psychodynamic twist in there that I was missing). She apologized for not listening when what I kept saying was that I couldn't do it (I didn't say that in so many words, but I was begging for some approval and acceptance or even a bit of casual chat). I was suicidal because she is my last hope, and if she gives up on me, I will have nothing to hang on to and I will give up too.

Yeah. I think it could help to tell her that too.

If you are worried that she will start to defend herself before hearing you out then you could email her or something... That way you get to qualify what you say (so she is less likely to take it personally when you chat about it).

Maybe...