Echoes, Yes I hear you. If she had said "why whats the big deal" it would have felt worse I guess. I hadn't thought of that. I think there's a whole lot going on between myself this woman...5yrs ago when I came out off treatment and had also just recovered from a *S attempt we got talking...she also has depression and was telling me how it was for her...you know I think inside I felt all my *S* and acting out were "games" attention seeking behaviour and I heard her story and just felt her reasons and depression were so much more deserving,..infact I felt/feel envy at her "real" condition and I feel I'm a fake..that If I allowed myself to be, I could be "fine"...

I saw her yesterday as a woman with issues also and her not making a drama out of them, but me?????? well hey oscar performance queen or what!!!...but I can't seem to grow up and deal with myself quitely...I've got to let the world know what a suffering martr I am...I hate it but I can't seem to stop it...

The childhood incident/s this reminded me of was my adoptive mother paying more attention to my adoptive brothers adoption sotry rather than mine..hearing her poor sympahpy over him and I felt so hurt and helpless that I wasn't getting noticed...so I create ways to get noticed..and now am not sure if I am "ill" or just "drama queen"...

DO I have any right to claim "pyschiactric illness"..I want a respectable one...you know one where its organic and not attention seeking created!! yes thats it!!

I am ashamed of what I am, what I do, how I think,