I've had depressions this bad, I believe the last one might have even been worse, or maybe just different. I'm not crying, I'm not even sad. I just feel cold and distant and so done. I spend most of my time in bed with my ipod plugged into my ears and i just want to be left alone. When I'm not left alone I'm enraged. I'm pretty sure I don't have a phone anymore. After it rang the third time this morning I heaved it at the wall.
My grandson said something this afternoon that even made me laugh. Except, it felt loud and harsh. It actually scared me a little. Everything is really off. And now I'm pulling my second all-nighter in the last three days. Not typical for me when I'm depressed. I want to sleep all the time, but in truth I'm barely sleeping at all. The only time I really sleep is when I pull an old bottle of Seroquel out of my drug safe and nuke myself with it.
I don't have a pdoc. Nor even a GP right now. and with no ins and no medicaid I cant get one. I've been in this state too long to try to contact my last dr. Its been more than a year. I hated the Abilify when I was on it but now I'm in hell and I wish to god I had it back. I don't recall ever wanting to be in the hospital before.
I really thought about just going to the ER today and hope they admitted me. But considering my husband just bailed I can't really do that. My kids will end up in foster care. Or he'll come back and take them and I'll never get them back. Plus my daughter will be mad if she has to find another sitter. They don't care if I'm depressed or suicidal, as long as I'm here when they drop off their kids. I don't even tell them I'm feeling bad anymore. My middle daughter told me she doesn't believe in clinical depression or bipolar, that it's just me feeling sorry for myself. And she's an RN no less. I feel like I have to hide how I feel all the time so they aren't constantly tearing me down for being miserable.
There's just this pressure building. sometimes I feel like I'm going to start screaming and I'm never going to be able to stop. I've tried some of my old anxiety reducing behaviors, and even that didn't give me any relief. And as weird as it sounds, while I'm not seeing or hearing things, I'm smelling things. Things like natural gas, and gasoline and smoke on a regular basis. I even had my daughter come over because I was afraid we had an electrical fire going in the wall, but nobody else can smell this stuff but me.
I'm fed up with being scared all the time. Of worrying about how I'm going to support my kids when I can barely go to the grocery store. Within the next two maybe three weeks at the outside, I'll have lost everything and then the kids will have to go to their dad anyway. I just don't see any point in sticking around for that.