I knew I had dissocaited quite a bit during my major break-downs in the past, but didn't realize how much time I had actaully lost. I was reading through my records from that time and found at least 3 hospitalizations that I have no memory of, like zero. And they average about 7 days each (one 3 days, one 5, one over 10)... There was also one hospitalization of which I have no memory of the first 2 days, but I was aware of the loss of time and the hospitalization because I "woke up" after a few days, totally disoriented and not knowing how I had gotten there... It's weird having read all that and having information about what happened those times. It's also a bit disconcerting seeing how much time I had lost. I thought it was only a day or two, when it was actually much more often than that, and for longer periods of time...
I will be talking about it with my new T today, but until that time... wow... kinda blown away by the information I found.
Overall, it was a very sobering read. It felt like I was reading about someone else most of the time. I feel so far from that space now, even when I do have episodes of regression, it's not been as bad as what's in my history... Definitely never want to get back to that point.