Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisWayOut
I knew I had dissocaited quite a bit during my major break-downs in the past, but didn't realize how much time I had actaully lost. I was reading through my records from that time and found at least 3 hospitalizations that I have no memory of, like zero. And they average about 7 days each (one 3 days, one 5, one over 10)... There was also one hospitalization of which I have no memory of the first 2 days, but I was aware fo the loss of time and the hospitalization because I "woke up" after a few days, totally disoriented and not knowing how I had gotten there... It's weird having read all that and having information about what happened those times. It's also a bit disconcerting seeing how much time I had lost. I thought it was only a day or two, when it was actually much more often than that, and for longer periods of time...
I will be talking about it with my new T today, but until that time... wow... kinda blown away by the information I found.
Overall, it was a very sobering read. It felt like I was reading about someone else most of the time. I feel so far from that space now, even when I do have episodes of regression, it's not been as bad as what's in my history... Definitely never want to get back to that point.
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yes it can be a bit overwhelming to discover proof of lost time can't it. the one thing that helps me to put it into perspective is that is that each different type of time loss I have had, the p roof came to me in sort of patterns...
example
if the time loss came due to my alters taking over the proof I discovered on the rare times it was available to me, would be directly associated with the alter that who's job, purpose, reason for being was to handle that situation in which I was unable to handle...if for example the situation that I could not handle was work stress, the alter who's job,purpose reason for being was to handle that work stress took over, then I would later find proof that I had lost time at work and days afterwards.
the good part of having hospital/treatment provider records is that the documentation tells the reason that form of treatment was given, which can also point to why I had dissociated and which alter took over when I dissociated...
example..
one of my proof of time loss came in the form of a hospital/treatment provider record stating...
Amandalouise was on the job when she was witness to a domestic violence situation. As a result of this she suffered PTSD and dissociative symptoms where she was found at her desk crying uncontrollably. Patient was transported to the hospital where she was a patient for 5 days.
I was not aware of dissociating/becoming an alter but when I saw this on my records I was immediately flooded with emotions...oh crud Im lucky I didnt lose my job. Im glad I shared my diagnosis with my boss and she was able to get me the help I needed. dang it lost time again! wait a minute it says I was crying uncontrollably thats rainy, ok I can relax Rainy is my alter that would take over when ever I dissociated due to extreme sadness.
my point is when ever I discovered I lost time I would look at the pattern to see why I dissociated and which alter took over during that dissociative moment if it was related to my DID type of lost time.
if the lost time was a result of my depersonalization/derealization disorder that too had definite patterns I could match the proof to...
Hospital/treatment records...
Amandalouise was brought in to the hospital by her wife. she was hospitalized due to PTSD/dissociative symptoms. when she was seen for intake she was incoherent, and discussed something had caused her anxiety to where she was now unable to focus on the present moment. She says she keeps seeing the same event over and over again and can not get out of her mind (psychosis? flashback?) Anadalouise's wife was concerned due to a past diagnosis of DID. recommending inpateint for observation and treatment.
another entry related to this hospitalization...
Amandalouise is much more focused/grounded today. She discovered one of her abusers was released from prison. the news caused her to dissociate (feel numb, spaced out, feelings of unrealness even though she knew she was real and her environment was real.)
I was there for 2 weeks and have no memory of that hospitalization but the pattern was established in the proof...I was hospitalized because I dissociated after discovering one of my abusers was released from prison.
my suggestion look at the proof that pointed you to the time loss, with in that proof you will discover the how/why/what caused you to lose that time. then you and your treatment provider can help with treatment options that will make it so that, that dissociative trigger wont cause you to dissociate or to be hospitalized again.