I did want to add that my perception of "what a child is" can be totally messed up most times.

Somehow I look at myself at 10 as being older. When I think back to when my father died, I am always torn between feeling like I was just a little kid to feeling like my childhood ended that day.

Seeing people shooting up became "normal" for me at a young age. I knew street drugs by name, knew what cops would arrest you and which ones would give you a break. I was drinking at age twelve, drugs at thirteen. I had already been abused by "friends" of my mother so all the sex taking place in front of me was no biggie.

When I was just starting in therapy, I was having a hard time cutting myself some slack for not being able to stop my brothers from overdosing all the time etc. T kept trying to tell me I was "just a little kid." I couldn't see it. I felt older.

One day I was having my hair cut and I was watching a little girl as she sang and danced, practiced her cheerleading. She was having FUN. I couldn't figure out how old she was. My best guess what eight or nine.

I asked and her mother told me she had just turned eleven.

I almost fell out of my chair. I had no idea eleven was so young. At first I thought maybe she had a learning disability because she was so "young for her age." Then I paid attention to other kids and learned I was wrong.

Anyway, that's why I said "I had to have been a strong child to have endured that and come out of it somewhat intact and standing" because I have FINALLY realized that I really was just a little kid.