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Originally Posted by guilloche
Wow... I have to agree that it's rotten of her. I mean, that's very kind and generous of her to spend that money on you in the first place (!) - but wow - it sounds like there are strings attached. And, I wonder if those strings are compromising your therapy. How are you going to be able to figure out your own needs, or how to stand up for yourself, or whatever you need to figure out - if you can't even express your anger or frustration with her without having to worry about looking like your not grateful enough for what she's done.
It seems crazy-making to me (sorry). Like you'll never be able to "grateful enough" to make her happy (though maybe I'm reading my own stuff into it).
So, I don't know - maybe I'm quick to run - but I think I'd seriously consider a new T too here. I'd actually be a little wary about paying her back, because it's not clear what you're paying back (the room rental? the electricity? etc.) If you really want to, I'd actually look at how many sessions she did for free, and try to pay back the normal rate for those sessions (or whatever you normally pay after your insurance) - something that you can get your head around, rather than a magical number that she just pulls out of the air.
But really, I kind of think this falls into the category of "reasons your T needs to go get some supervision". Sorry... good luck with it.
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She does have supervision (a new person I think, who revolutionized our boundaries I suspect) and I can't pay her back her full fee because it her rate is $220 per hour, and I clocked up at least six hours a week for three months. If I broach paying her back, I'll pitch for this $3000 mark which is what keeps coming up.
I did feel like there wasn't room for my spiky unhappiness in the session last night, and it quickly flashed to anger because I felt like I was being gagged and shunted out of the room without it being heard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
That's a nice thought, but it still makes me worry about her as a therapist.
From what I've read (and I'm still trying to figure it out too, so definitely not an expert) - the therapist isn't really there to satisfy our needs. If you're feeling like "nobody cares" - the therapist is NEVER going to be able to care ENOUGH to make that feeling go away. It's a big, life thing based on all your experiences growing up.
And, the therapist should KNOW that.
I totally agree, it's great and can be helpful to have the therapist CARE (otherwise, how do we talk about painful stuff). But that caring [edit: should NOT!] be the end-all, be-all of therapy... it should be a bridge for you to start fixing the stuff... (insert something here... I don't actually know how this happens yet!)
Anyway, sorry again... I feel like I'm starting to get a bit rant-y. "Not caring" is a big issue for me, so it's probably setting me off a tiny bit... hope some of it helps anyway!
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I agree with all you've said here, and I have got into a tricky situation on an exhausting loop of her caring or not caring and is it enough or not.