Having problems with my internet at home so writing this via my phone as it's late at night and too tired to try and fix it right now. As such I'll reply to messages above once it's sorted.

Before I start writing this, as of this moment I neither wish to self harm or die but was severely tested once I got home. Going to be candid and frank... I love my wife, fully and unconditionally. With that said, we found ourselves in one hell of awkward period of miscommunication that led to a verbal argument, with genuine concern and worry on her side... And frustration and hurt on mine.

This leads back to Wednesday night when I had the argument with my named nurse... I had previously discussed with my wife on taking it slow and trying an evening leave to start with prior to the disagreement I had. Come Thursday and before seeing my psychiatrist I ran it by her about the extended leave instead. Turned out that though she said ok she was worried that to say otherwise would trigger me, but she was worried that I had made a knee jerk reaction to the night before and that I was doing it to 1. Avoid seeing my named nurse over the weekend and 2. To just get out of the hospital whether I was well enough or not. (Did not find out about this till after the canal incident I'll mention later on).

When we got home she began throwing structured activities at me that we were going to be doing over the time I was there... To me I just wanted to settle in and try to adjust to being at home with her and the dog. I asked her to slow down but she replied that I needed to get into the habit of being active.

My mood began to plummet fast. We were making dinner together and I got further triggered by the portion she was preparing for the both of us (I've lost a stone and a half since being in hospital and kind of want to keep it that way or better). I started becoming irrational and felt that coming home had been a really bad idea... But neither did I want to go back... That feeling of being trapped between not wanting to be at either place led me to grabbing my coat, one of my knives and leaving the house. Though I could have technically called the crisis team I had this feeling of obligation not to... In the meeting this morning they had encouraged me to try and use the service as a last resort and wait till Sunday for the home visit.

Was near the canal (about a mile from home) when my mum called (was her birthday today and I'd left her a happy voice greeting earlier in the day when my mood had been a lot more stable). Well to say the least I was struggling to fake my mood and she was worried... Burst into tears when I told her I had my knife and was on my own well away from home. Explained the situation to her, that I ideally just wanted to be away from people at the moment but as my wife had my bank card all I could do was walk and think. At first she wanted me to go back to hospital but by that point I wasn't feeling suicidal... I just needed space... So she suggested that my step dad could book me into a hotel for the night over the phone. Was tempting and I almost did so but on reflection I knew it would be better to bite the bullet and go home.

Once I got back the argument I mentioned at the beginning occurred. I was angry that one she had neither trusted my judgement nor voiced any concern in front of the psychiatrist and team, she replied that it happened so fast and didn't know what to do... That she doesn't always know what triggers me and it frightens her as it's like walking on egg shells out of fear my anxiety or depression will increase. She also raised the points I mentioned at the beginning.

I felt a bit betrayed at this point and said that I would return to hospital there and then if she figured that was the case, that though yes, the disagreement with the nurse had put into perspective how I wished to proceed... It was not for the purpose of running away or avoidance... It was to get myself back on my own two feet and see if I could do it.

She raised another point that as being a dumb arse bloke I hadn't even considered mentioning (I'd just seen it as a given)... That I had not said I wanted to come home to be with her. She was in tears at this point and it dawned on me rather late that I can be unintentionally removed and cold to others in appearance. I gave her a hug and explained that if that had been the case I would have found other arrangements (like going to my mums or a friends)... That of course I wanted to be with her but to please not throw things at me so fast on my first day home.

At her request we've agreed that we'll discuss the things that definitely trigger me so she has a better understanding... I'm going to find it bloody hard but necessary I guess.

Not sure how any of this sounds... But yeah, been a long night :s