I seem to be having this pattern lately of one good therapy session, then one "bad" (whatever that means), then one good, one bad. It's hard. Because after a good one, I feel so jazzed for the next one, and then I am disappointed, and feel down afterwards.

So a couple of days ago I had one of the "bad" ones. I had felt from the one before that T and I were working so well together, making such progress. Then this last one made me feel confused and like T is being really inconsistent in session. He says something one week, and I think I understand clearly what he says and means, and then the next week, he seems to say the opposite. This has been going on for a little while now. It just throws me for a loop. Sure, I guess he is entitled to change his mind, but he doesn't actually indicate he has changed his mind, just spits out this stuff that seems to contradict what I thought he meant before. Oyyyy. Makes me feel like I don't know WTH is going on.

Just one example: Since I started going to see him over 6 months ago, he's dropped hints that he wants me to bring my husband with me for couples therapy. I highly resisted this, as in change the subject, don't talk to me about that, crawl inside myself and not hear him, etc. We even talked about it very directly and I felt relief when a couple of months ago my lawyer said my T can't work with us as a couple (in another context) due to conflict of interest. Hearing that from her was such a relief and suddenly I felt all the pressure was off, and this allowed me to spill all sorts of stuff in therapy that I had been withholding. Then one thing lead to another, and I actually changed my mind, and came to see doing brief couples therapy with my T could actually be really helpful. And we brainstormed about this and seemed to come up with a way to do it ethically. And he was really excited about this and I felt really positive. Then two days ago he now seems to have changed his mind and is very cool about the idea and warning me it could be disastrous. And I get the idea he now doesn't want to do this. WTF? His energy and enthusiasm for this are gone. He sits on the couch across from me, so far away, like he just doesn't want to be dragged into this. (He never seems to sit up close right in front of me in his chair anymore, and I miss him.) For 6 months he has so wanted to do this, and finally I come to see it could be valuable and agree, and now he backs off? I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster and don't know what is going on. I feel he's being really inconsistent. If he has changed his mind, it would help me if he would just say "I changed my mind." Instead I just feel clueless and out to sea and like I don't know which way is up. He says "we're messing with the frame." Well, OK, the frame is always an issue in such situations, but why didn't he bring this up before if it was problematic so I wouldn't have to go through all this angst and pressure? Surely this can't be occuring to him now for the first time? I trust him as the therapist to deal with keeping the frame, and since he said over and over that we could do couples, I thought he did not think the frame was a problem. OK, maybe I should cut him some slack and just allow him to be human and change his mind. It just makes me feel totally insecure to have this inconsistency. And this is not the only recent topic about which I feel he is being inconsistent.

So I've been thinking about this for the last two days and maybe one good thing has come out of it. I have reached a decision on something I was really stuck on. It's almost like my perception that T was being inconsistent and indecisive made me see I am the one who has to be decisive, consistent, and strong here. I can't depend on him to be that way. This is my life, my decisions. And I made a big one. I'll share my decision with him next time. I feel good about that. I think I have been depending on T too much to help me make decisions. It's quite a burden to thrust on anyone, and really not his job.