sadly, these records are not as thorough as yours seem to be. They simply state I was hospitalized for self-harm and suicidal ideation with plan. there's nothing in the records to give me a heads-up to the pattern other than knowing I dissociate right around the time of a really serious suicide attempt. They did not note anything pointing to dissociation, and the only mention of my lost time realized while inpatient is a note that one morning I had woken up tearful and confused, but no mention of what I was confused about. Maybe if I try to talk it over with either my current t, or my t at the time (still in contact with her long-distance), we can figure out a pattern. The only other thing noted was that I get really quiet and slow to respond prior to some hospitalizations, but I remember some of those and not others.
I tried to tell new T about that today, but I was having trouble explaining it all to her. She got hung up on trying to figure out why in the world they would have noted the futility of treatment so often in my records ("this pt will struggle with symptoms for her lifetime, with little chance of meaningful recovery" was written in several reports shortly followed by a reference to my abuse history as validation for the statement). I couldn't figure out how to communicate effectively with her today... she was also trying to figure out if I had any alters, but I wasn't sure how to explain the situation in my head. it's not alters, but different, distinct aspects of me... she seemed to have a hard time understanding the extent of hte disconnect within my head, and how that impairs things. she was trying to normalize some stuff I know for sure is not normal, but I couldn't figure out how to tell her that... then I was triggered by the content of the rest of our session, and skipped out on her (mentally).
I wish I had a t that was 1)more experienced with trauma work, 2)more experienced in general (she is still a student), and 3) had more availability. This whole opening up the trauma stuff with 20 minutes left in session, then ending without any real grounding is too difficult.
I had written something last week that would have started to explain things, but I could not force myself to show her... I know she doesn;t know me. I know she doesn;t know most of what I write is accessed on my phone, but she didn't even look at it when I tried to hand it to her...
training a t is hard. training myself is hard. i don;t know if I want to keep struggling through this process with her.