I think that I need him now but that if this works ...I may not (though of course I FEEL like I need him FOREVER) need him much longer.... WHat a struggle. I am worse....I am better.... if I am better... I lose him.

What I am experiencing with him is also just a recreation of many things from my childhood. I frequently thought the family would move and leave town while I was in school... or when away and finding a bathroom...it always had to have a window...in case I got locked in and they would be leaving me. Good God.

Years ago I called him at home 2x in a weekend and he sent me away... to see someone that led a group I was in (for 8 weeks I think.) Last week he complains that I am not connecting to his story about something he wishes to talk about. It was a test. I did not know it.

What is the right distance? I do not know. ...with him or with others. Who do I let in and how much. After all of these years I have certainly let HIM in...

He damn well should be vested in me... and I know I can be frustrating and I think he is vested... but.....

I have not journaled in a bit... might be a good thing at this time. I have a xerox box of journals in the basement that I have told family to burn before reading if I die...from the earlier most angry years.

Yes he is pushing me and it is for my benefit. He can not let me off the hook by telling me he will always be there. I did tell him on the phone briefly a week or so ago that I did not want him to stop seeing me...stated with tears. That did not come up again but needs to.

I need to just get a "yup" from him... I shall not fall apart as I wish to....I just want a "yup---I will be there for you and no I do not have plans to drop you soon." Simple.

I know it is my job to do... and I try to take it on. His confrontation is good for me. On some level I know that....I really do. It just is painful .... to forage through it all.

I do appreciate the Hell out of this site (and this particular area) as though I do feel like a whiner today I am also willing and welcoming your thoughts and perspectives and gentle pushes to question me. It helps.

Thanks.