Woke up naturally... about 6 hours. Bit reflective this morning. My mood is low but calm (I guess those with long term depression can be familiar with calm yet feeling lethargic and generally negative in outlook).

Nervous to say in light of a recent discussion else where on the board (and I'm not posting this to inflame it again... it's just relevant to my honesty rather than deciding to omit information for concern of going down that road again) I have self harmed this morning as a release... I have nerves about the crisis team coming today and part of me is wanting to white wash over any negativity... to show that I can cope without their help.

After 6 weeks of being in hospital... the feelings (especially towards the beginning) of being trapped, interfered with (quite a private and independent person for the most part) and having my routines and certain liberties withdrawn has made me slightly resentful and irritable to health care supporters.

Logically I know I shouldn't start running before I can walk... my mood is still turbulent and intrusive thoughts can spiral to crisis point (already had the 'wish I was dead' thoughts flashing through my head about an hour ago).

Guess I'm confused. I don't want help... but to push it away could be foolish... and to mislead (my wife said only the other day how persuasive I can be in fooling others into thinking things are fine... my mask) is potentially dangerous and piles undue pressure onto her.

Gah.

I just don't want to go back into hospital... has been nice to be at home in peace and quiet without all the noise, turbulence and having to force myself to talk to others when they've approached.