I've been stuck at this crossroad for a few years now and i don't know what to do. I've been lesbian all my life, being in rs with girls one after another. I love the sex and the way girls connect. I feel safe in this community. I feel accepted in this world of more than 10 years.

But lesbisn rs often come with a lot of drama, emotions, and uncertainty. Lezbian rs is frowned upon in my country and by my family. My mom threatened to commit suicide in the past when she asked if I'm lesbian, and i had to lie to her that I'm not.

3 yrs ago, i got into a relationship with a guy for a change. I thought it's a good change from the typical dramas from lesbian rs. We stayed together shortly after. We had 2 dogs together and we play the same sport with the same team. Needless to say, our life is very entwined.

2 yrsago, he proposed, and i accepted his proposal. However i postponed it 6 months later. When i thought i was ready, we agreed on another date. 5 months before that wedding date, i called it off again.

I constantly feel I'm giving up a crucial part of myself if i do get married with him. But i do love him.

But i love women too, and the connection i get from women that he doesn't give me.

I love lesbian sex more.

I sometimes feel i wouldn't be with another guy if i am not with him. But it's so difficult and painful to break it up with him. I tried but it was so so painful.

Yet society makes it so difficult for me to be sure about settling down with another woman.

And there's the other problem for me: I've always found it impossible to find another female "stronger" than me, emotionally and mentally. So far he's the only one whom i didn't have to "mother".

I have also had to tell him a few times that i truly have no interest in having children. That if we are to be married, it's because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

At this point, i don't know what to do because to continue being in a rs with him means marriage.

If i truly am lesbian i should give this rs up.

I am so lost i don't know what to do. So often i want to die.

Help pls....