It occurred to me yesterday that I need a strategy. My goal is to figure out if I should complete the online grad degree program (which starts at the end of the month), or if I should wait and apply for the spring semester (an on campus program at a different school). I feel like if I don't go back to school now, while I have the courage, then I never will go back. And then of course grad school is expensive, but I still have to find out if they will even accept me. I don't know what I'm going to do for money once my disability is up. Should I go back to work (probably a disaster waiting to happen), or should I find another job (an anxiety attack in the making - trying to look for jobs)? If I go back to work will I simply get sucked back in and become complacent once again? What if a year from now I wind up in the hospital? No, I can't go back there. And if I take another job just to pay the bills, will I fall into the same trap? I was in the exact same boat 5 years ago when I quit my last job and moved back home. I moved in part to help my mom take care of my grandmother, but I had reached my breaking point then too. I would be a fool to make the same mistake again, but here I am. I feel like an idiot, making the same mistakes over and over again.

Worrying about this stuff gives me anxiety. I painted my nails and watched movies all day yesterday to give myself something to do. In a way, I'm glad that I reached my breaking point. I think I needed it. But I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.