Crisis team lady came, ironically the same lady I saw that arranged for the psychiatrist to come to assess me that led to my hospital admission. I say ironic as with the crisis team, they are quite a large group and to see one person more than once and certainly in successesion is rare.

Was in low mood and was probably good the wife came in... we had put the dog in her cage but the lady said she loved dogs so Sadie was let back out which was actually great as once she'd got fuss from our guest, she came over to me and just let me stroke and pet her while we talked.

Told her that Friday night had been very hard, that I'd felt obligated not to call the crisis team and as such had felt very trapped in all directions. She expressed surprise at this but said that everyone has their own approach... she however would never tell a patient to not call if they were struggling.

Said that yesterday had been good till late evening when my mood dipped and that I had been self harming. Asked me if I have other techniques to use and I admitted that yes, technically I do... but I am stubborn and when things are really bad I fall back on what really works. She smiled and asked if I was a Taurus (star sign) and I said yes... transpires she is too and though it's all mythical bs... stubbornness is a renowned trait for us bulls.

Admitted to suicidal thoughts and she quizzed me on the reasoning for it... I warned her that the following might seem like a tangent but it led to a point (mentioned this earlier in the thread a few pages back)... that I had seen a great t-shirt with the phrase 'I love to sleep, it's like being dead but without the commitment'

That what I desired was just nothingness... endless nothing, no consciousness, no thought... an ending where the power just switched off.

To this she was open to and said that it was the depression speaking... that the meds will help ease that off... the motivation will return... part of it will be down to me as well to change but it was doable.

That with my diagnosis and referals for other screenings I was in a fortunate position of being having the psychiatric community nurse referral as they will be a specific person who will get to know me, build a rapport with and develop a care plan with for the future.

That with both the crisis team... and then the nurse, I should never be afraid to call (I did mention that one of the reasons I had laid off calling was out of worry about being forced back to hospital) as it is in my best interests, and their goal to avoid hospital re-admission... so I should utilise the service when I'm struggling. She also asked for my consent that my wife could call too if she has concerns or I am spiralling badly... I said yes.

She's going to call me again tomorrow afternoon... re-iterated to call before then if I needed to.