Quote:
Originally Posted by nowisaugust
I've been stuck at this crossroad for a few years now and i don't know what to do. I've been lesbian all my life, being in rs with girls one after another. I love the sex and the way girls connect. I feel safe in this community. I feel accepted in this world of more than 10 years.
But lesbisn rs often come with a lot of drama, emotions, and uncertainty. Lezbian rs is frowned upon in my country and by my family. My mom threatened to commit suicide in the past when she asked if I'm lesbian, and i had to lie to her that I'm not.
3 yrs ago, i got into a relationship with a guy for a change. I thought it's a good change from the typical dramas from lesbian rs. We stayed together shortly after. We had 2 dogs together and we play the same sport with the same team. Needless to say, our life is very entwined.
2 yrsago, he proposed, and i accepted his proposal. However i postponed it 6 months later. When i thought i was ready, we agreed on another date. 5 months before that wedding date, i called it off again.
I constantly feel I'm giving up a crucial part of myself if i do get married with him. But i do love him.
But i love women too, and the connection i get from women that he doesn't give me.
I love lesbian sex more.
I sometimes feel i wouldn't be with another guy if i am not with him. But it's so difficult and painful to break it up with him. I tried but it was so so painful.
Yet society makes it so difficult for me to be sure about settling down with another woman.
And there's the other problem for me: I've always found it impossible to find another female "stronger" than me, emotionally and mentally. So far he's the only one whom i didn't have to "mother".
I have also had to tell him a few times that i truly have no interest in having children. That if we are to be married, it's because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
At this point, i don't know what to do because to continue being in a rs with him means marriage.
If i truly am lesbian i should give this rs up.
I am so lost i don't know what to do. So often i want to die.
Help pls....
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Hello NowisAugust: First I'd like to just mention there is a Transgender Forum & also a Relationships Forum here on PC. You may want to consider posting your concern in one or both of these forums as well.
Second, I'd like to also suggest that you find a therapist who can help you to work through your confusion. Be careful though to find one who is familiar & experienced with concerns related to sexual-orientation. A therapist who is not may do more harm than good, in my opinion.
One thing I'm unclear about is to what extent you & your fiancé have discussed your concerns (other than with regard to children.) Is he aware of your sexual-orientation preferences? How does he feel about it? It might be wise for the two of you to engage in come couples counseling around these concerns, particularly if he has reservations.
My personal experience suggests to me your sexual-orientation preferences are not going to lessen or dissolve over time. In fact, if you try to deny them for your fiancé's sake, you may find they become stronger & more insistent.
I'm an older biological male who has been transsexual my entire life. Over 30 years ago I married & settled into a more-or-less typical male lifestyle knowing that, inside, the only thing I wanted was to be a woman. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I really didn't. I just assumed that this was the way it had to be for me.
Anyway, to make a long story short, as I have aged my "trans-ness" has not faded away. It has become a raging inferno that is gradually eating away at my psyche. I managed to keep it a secret until just a few years ago. My wife now knows what has been eating at me for all of these years. But it's really just too late for either of us to do anything about it. So we're just making the best of the situation.
Don't do this to yourself or to your fiancé. Tell him, if you haven't already, about your dilemma, both the part about your love for him but also about your predilection for lesbian sexual relationships. If necessary, seek out a competent couples therapist to help with this process. From my perspective, better to get it all out in the open now, even if it results in the two of you separating, than for you to go ahead and marry him while trying to keep your concerns secret, or keep them under wraps should it turn out he cannot accept them.
