freud came up with the idea of having patients lie down on the couch and him sit behind them because...

he didn't like to be looked at.

i have sympathy. i don't like to be looked at too. i'm alright with eye contact outside therapy but for me... in the context of therapy... eye contact is too intimate.

part of it is about my trying to regulate my emotions. looking makes me feel anxious and hyperaroused. looking away helps me regulate that anxiety into something more along the lines of baseline. it doesn't have to be about thoughts or anything like that... it can be the result of bad experiences.

i take little furtive glances at my t sometimes... mostly my eyes fixate on the rug. sometimes his shoe. i wish he wouldn't look at me. i feel like i'm caught in the headlights. i wish i could lie down and the absence of eye contact would be less conspicuous.