Hi everyone. New forum user here, but not new to Depression/BiPolar II.

It is common for those with BP to stop taking drugs due to feeling better. I suspect that my problem is different. I stop taking them because I don't think I deserve to feel better. I take my meds at night, and sometimes it's just impossible to make myself get a glass of water before I go to bed, in order to take the pills. I just don't seem to be able to care enough to summon the energy to take the dang things.

I missed a couple of doses 3 weeks ago due to being on an adventure vacation and drinking alcohol (stupid, I know, but hard to resist since it was my 50th birthday.) Then, I picked meds up again for a few days, came back home, was fired from my job of 2 months ("not compatible"), and missed quite a few doses after that.

Of course, my BP depression has got far more severe over the last week, and I'm feeling empty, useless and that life has utterly no meaning whatsoever. I have one friend and my parents and that's it, so am extremely lonely. Even so, my friend's been worried about me and I've hidden like a coward and not wanted to talk to her. All typical behaviors for me, unfortunately. I'm obviously sick, and I know I've got to get back on my meds. as the only way to get better, so I'm back to trying hard to do that each day.

My question is, what kind of experiences do you all have about stopping meds on your own? Can anyone identify with what I do, or do you have other reasons that make you just stop for "no reason". I think that stopping meds is the single most important thing that we BP-ers do that drives our friends and family nuts because it makes no sense to them, not having the illness themselves.

Thanks for reading, and I'm looking forward to hearing about everyone's experiences.