... yeah, better don't read this if you already think I am too pathetic....

I guess I had recovered from my last low a bit during the last few days. If it wasn't myself who is experiencing this I'd say this was being childish, the way I change from fine to horrible within few hours. and I wouldn't take these feelings seriously. but they are. they are very serious.
this can't be normal…

spend a good day yesterday, I even did some exercise and enjoyed it. I think I was being normal and not depressed. I made plans for the future (!!!!). tried to arrange a trip to another city for a couple of days.
spent some time on online dating where I found somebody who I was interested in. like really, really interested. (I know, my bad....) that actually never happened before and I was excited. I think that's how I got my energy yesterday and the day before. actually I feel ashamed to admit that I didn't have any feeling like that for a couple of years. nothing. just nothing at all.
and I honestly don't think it was a very good idea to even consider. but it helped me and lifted my mood.
but as you may have expected by now after I thought about this for a day and tried to carefully pick the right words to send a message I was being ignored. I am being silly to feel like sliding into the next deep low because of such a trivial thing but it's happening. I just wonder if it would have happened anyway.
I am doomed.
there is no happiness for me. not even the tiniest illusion of light at the end of the tunnel. not even the illusion wants to stay longer than half a day. there is no hope and no future.
my reason tells me that I am being depressed and this is what I am thinking because of that. but it also isn't stupid and knows from experiences -so this is kind of scientific- that nothing that resembles any positive perspective is going to happen to me because it hasn't for a long time. so that is very unlikely. scientifically. this is reasonable. why would that change now, just because I need it emotionally? -silly. I just make it up because I wish for it so badly. unfortunately I cannot live in my imaginary world. if I could I would choose delusion or what's it called? -optimism bias?
-but choosing is for the rich and popular...

I feel ashamed because I am hurting because I only considered the mere possibility that my life could change finding one single positive thing and expecting it to stay. stupid me. why would I tell anybody? -because I cannot stand living with myself. horrid. I want to kill that old *****!