i posted a response but internet explorer ate it so this is round two...

> The inconsistency is that for 6 months he has been trying to convince me to do something

and this is what i'm questioning. i was thinking... that your main reason for not wanting to do couples therapy with him was fear that he would side with your husband over you and that you would lose his support. i'm not sure that he was ever trying to convince you do to couples therapy, but i am thinking that he was trying to get you thinking on some of the benefits that could ensue from couples therapy so you didn't simply write the idea off out of fear that you would lose your therapist.

> Finally, I saw some benefit and agreed.

you agreed with what you think he wanted you to do.

> Then all of a sudden, next session, he completely reverses himself.

and starts considering some of the possible negatives about couples therapy.

> I think if he had said something like, "I've been thinking about this and have changed my mind. I now don't think it's a good idea because of X, Y, and Z."

sounds to me like you are trying to figure out what he wants you to do and you are feeling frustrated because you think he has changed his mind.

i'm thinking though that he doesn't want you to simply come into line with what he thinks is best, he wants you to come to your own decision on what you think is best for good reasons.

couples therapy isn't about the therapist taking sides. it is possible to support two people even when those two people are disagreeing. sounds like he didn't want you to make your decision out of fear that he would turn against you... but he does want you to make your decision on the basis of considering some of the other pros and cons.

focusing on pros one week (or for several weeks) and then focusing on cons the next week (or the next several weeks) isn't being contradictory. if you are trying to get at what he thinks is best then i understand how it could look like he is changing his mind and i understand how if it is important to you to come into line with his decision that could be quite frustrating.

> Yes, the bad feeling comes from a sense of disconnection. It's very jarring when we have been so close before. And so it switches back and forth, one session we are close, the next session we are more distant. It's hard on me.

yes. so what i'm thinking...

when you were little... did you have to come into line with what your parents thought best in order for them to approve of you? did you get a lot of 'see, i told you so' if you asserted your right to come to your own decision and it happened to turn out badly? did you come to think that you are incapable of deciding what is best for you and that you better rely on others to make important decisions for you? did you need to come into line with what they wanted in order for them to approve of you?

over time... what can happen is that we don't know what we think anymore... we look to others to decide for us. there is some kind of security in that... but then if the decision turns out well then it can confirm our belief that we need another person to make the decisions for us. if the decision turns out badly then at least we weren't responsible for it. we might even get to say 'see, i told you so'.

sounds to me like he is trying to get you to make your own decision.

when you think your decision is in agreement with what he thinks best then you feel happy and connected and safe...
when you start to doubt that he is in line with your decision then you start to feel full of self doubt and you feel disconnected and unsafe...

not sure if this resonates... but if so... it would be well worth talking to him about it...