i feel desperately alone. i live with my great loving family, but theres times I don't talk a lot, and I seem to just hang around without saying much, or else isolate outside and chainsmoke.

I went to a beach soccer tournament today, and I just didnt talk much. I slumped against a tree and smoked cigarettes making the occasional comment.

I can be very outgoing, and I can be very silent. When I'm silent I'm in pain usually for some reason. I want to feel connected to other people, and I am at times and other times not.

One things for sure I really don't feel free to express myself a lot. Some of the time I talk on a very high level which makes it difficult to hold conversations, or people seem to "not know what to say to that."

I'm very rarely comfortable around girls, and haven't been in a relationship since high school. I am able to laugh at every encounter with women where I try earnestly to go for it, and get anxious, and all locked up, but it's just very sad not to have had a significant other for so long.

I really long to be free, and interconnected in new ways. i'm not going to bother with self help articles but wouldn't mind any advice or stories, experience etc...

thanks,
- BB