This is my first time ever doing something like this. I apologize if this turns out to be a really long post, or really jumbled and hard to understand, but I'll try to make it as short as possible. In the past weeks, I've found that my symptoms of depression are becoming more and more apparent, and I want to vent to someone (or, multiple people) that may be able to give me some insight or may have experienced something similar or are able to relate to me somehow. Here goes nothing, this is my story:

In September of 2013, my parents decided they were going to get divorced. This was good news, as my dad and I have never gotten along because he's been an alcoholic since before I was even born (I'm 20 now). I was living in New Jersey, with my mom and my dad and my sister, in the house I grew up in since I was a kid. My mom immediately decided she and my sister would move to Florida to be close to her family. This is where it kind of hit me, I am extremely close with my mom and my sister, and I wouldn't be able to go. I still had a year left in school and I didn't want to give up. I also had a boyfriend at the time (we'll call him "B") who I was sure I was going to marry someday. He was my backbone, and my biggest supporter throughout this whole ordeal. We were dating for a year at that point, and I couldn't imagine leaving him. It was out of question. Flash forward to January 2013, my mom and my sister moved away. Now, it was just my dad and I, who I didn't get along with, in this house that once held a family. It's crazy to me how fast a "home" became just a "house". It was the scariest time in my life. I would go to work, go to school, sleep. Repeat. That was it. That was my life. I didn't want to do anything but be alone in my dark room. I was working at a job I hated, going to school for something I didn't want to do, trying to adjust to my new life, all while balancing my relationship with B and keeping up with work responsibilities and schoolwork and finding time to keep in touch with my family who is now miles and miles away. In February, I went to visit my mom and sister in Florida and it was great. I didn't want to go home, when B picked me up from the airport, something had changed. I think this was the time he truly realized that I wasn't happy anymore.

It was March 2014 when my life came crashing. B was acting weird. I didn't think anything of it, I just thought he was busy. Then he said "I'm on my way to your work, we need to talk". I left work in a panic, I drove 75mph to his house. When I saw him, I just knew. I fell to the ground and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He took me to his room and I asked him, "are you breaking up with me?" He looked me in the eyes and said "Unfortunately, I am". He said it was a stone cold voice, and his expression haunts me til this day. I'll never forget it. As this was taking place, he handed me a bag to pack up all of my stuff. He had just gotten me a promise ring for valentines day, he took it back without any hesitation. We never fought, we were so happy together. We did everything together, and we had so many inside jokes and always had so much fun together. There was no sign, no warning. He just left me. At this point in my life, I needed him more than ever. And he just left, without caring. He let me drive home in the state I was in, hysterically crying and dazed. I didn't hear from him ever again. That was the last time. A year and a half, knowing what I was going through. Nothing.

Present day: I dropped everything and moved to Florida the following month, in April of 2014. I have a new job here, and I have a new boyfriend who saved my life, literally. He still lives in Jersey, but we see each other often and he has plans to move down here. But, I still think of B everyday, not because I miss him, but maybe its because of the abandonment when I needed him most, maybe its the memories, maybe its the broken promises. I'm not sure what it is, but it kills me. What really kills me, is that he has a new girlfriend. They started dating maybe a few days after we broke up. That is the reason he left, not because "he couldn't stand seeing me unhappy", but because he found someone new. I wasn't good enough to deserve the truth. Night time is the hardest. The memories of my past haunt me, good and bad. And its not even the memories of B and I, its the memories of my childhood. Growing up in that house, Christmases and late summer nights in the backyard. The smell of the fall and the sound of the bugs outside on a summer night. The smell of the air on a warm summer morning after it just rained. The house is now occupied by my Father and his new girlfriend and her kids. I still have dreams about B leaving me, and I feel an overwhelming loneliness and emptiness when I wake up. I even wake up with swollen eyes from crying in my dreams sometimes.

I don't know what I'm suffering from, I'm assuming its depression but I know I shouldn't "self diagnose". I know ya'll will probably think that this is just another young person devastated by a break up, but its more than that. B is the least of my worries. Its a combination of everything and the timing. I miss home, but I know I probably shouldn't go back because its a big "trigger" for me. I'm at such a weird place in life, and maybe someone reading this can relate in some way. I feel like I did a terrible job explaining this all, but this is my first step to getting help and my thoughts are constantly so jumbled and I have a really hard time focusing and its late and I can't sleep, per usual. I've lost so many friends, so this is just the easiest way to express myself. Someone, please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do....