thanks Clara,

I don't believe in such a thing either. I just know that I am unlucky. and it seems to be somewhat independent from my depression although of course it is difficult to know that. I am just saying that because I felt that way before I was depressed. I don't even necessarily think that it is fate or whatever rather than some wrong behavior by myself. when I (ever) talk to other people I usually feel like I am the optimistic one. even now!!! I have had lots of conversations when I was the one saying 'yeah, I think things are possible, even if we don't know yet how' or 'what I already have is actually valuable and good' and stuff like that and the others would be looking down on me, tell me why things are impossible and bad and mock my silly naivety or think I was simply crazy to believe in anything good.
happening all of the time… so how come I shouldn't have a realistic idea about what good things are likely to happen if I try- based on the experience of the last couple of years?
I'm stuck. and I have been stuck a long time before depression came. I think it partly came because of being stuck because it creates a lot of frustration in me and still for a long time I had the will to get up and try again. now is the first time I consider this to be useless. how many attempts do you need to fail to realize what you do isn't working and never will?
how many times do I need to try eating soup with a knife before I realize I am doing something wrong?
I feel I have been wrong all of the time to try and the people mocking me were right in doing so.

it is even possible that I am optimistic about the world and humanity and all the other people but when I am true to myself I cannot imagine my hopes for myself to come true because it seems just so unlikely.

please don't get this as being cynical or aggressive. I am very fond of your answers, I really must say. what I am writing is just how I feel and I cannot find any nicer words to describe that.