I had a wonderful friend, I still believe I do.

I made a mistake, I lied, I lived the lie for a while,

but I couldn't go on forever, so I came clean, and told this friend the truth,

suddenly things changed, and this friend broke contact with me,

I was sorry, I apologized, I did everything I could to make up to my friend, this friend even said the lie wasn't such a big deal, but things have changed,

This friend has other issues, this friend is depressed, I don't know how this friend is doing, I am worried,

I reach out to this friend, but the replies I get are very few or none,

I am still sorry, I still miss this friend, it's been a while now, but I know that I can never move on, because that is not an option. This friend reached out to me and helped me out, comforted me and helped me understand and accept myself.

Maybe I don't deserve friendship anymore, maybe it was all my fault, maybe there is no second chance,

but is it wrong for me to know how this friend is doing now? because I care about this friend. I swear to god, I had a dream where I had a falling out with my friend...... and yet.... I have never seen my friend........... I don't know how this friend looks like....

In my dream, this friend was a faceless, shapeless figure, because maybe that's how I saw this friend.

I think that makes it more wonderful because it was never about how we looked or anything like that.

When you want something really bad, and it's a person's friendship and you know you're truly sorry in your heart and only wish for things to go back to what they were before the relationship was fractured, but you know that you can't control another person's feelings, and you have no right to control their feelings, isn't it hard ?

I know that I lied, and I came clean, I could have just kept the lie going, but I came clean, because I was always guilty, if I didn't care I would have never confessed to the lie.

Days keep going by, I am a human being, I am selfish, I want this person's friendship because this friend did help me out,

but I now only wish for this friend's happiness, if being away from me makes this friend's life a little less stressful, then so be it, yes it hurts me, but I care for this friend. I only want the best to happen to this friend, and I wish I could hear from this friend every now and then....

If nothing else, just a "I'm fine", just to know that how this friend is doing.

I don't blame this friend, It wasn't this friend's fault at all, so if this friend doesn't want to talk to me anymore, then I guess what I did is reason enough.

I still miss this friend, and that's the truth, and I always will.