definitely something to think about...

there is not much I could complain about from circumstances…
I live in a rich and peaceful country, have a nice family, got somewhat good education, I look okay, I'm sort of healthy I guess, … well, I wouldn't exactly choose to be a girl if I had the power but that's a minor issue. I could potentially see other people because they do not explicitly or politically ban me.

hard to tell which of the other circumstances I don't consider perfect I am able to change by my behavior. I think a lot of them. (we're getting into some sort of ideological dilemma here where optimism can lead to depression…) so if there is something wrong with that it's because I did or didn't do something that causes it to be this way.
I'm having a hard time trying to find the mistakes I am making, though. that's one reason I am writing so much because if there is any chance somebody else can see some mistake that I just don't realize I would like to know.
I could accept that all of my unhappiness is caused by a disease but it's not because it already started earlier...