Ever felt like you give too much and never get anything in return? I feel like that all the time, but I've gotten so used to it that I feel absolutely guilty and uncomfortable if someone returns the favor.

And perhaps that's my problem, I can't accept the positive. I've been trying to learn but it seems to just fall right off of me.

So, when someone comes and asks for money, I never really expect them to return it, I never expect to be paid back though truth is, I really do need them to. And it places me in a worse and worse economical situation, but what if the person is in a worse place than you?

I always think like that, I always put others before me even if I'm standing in fire myself. I hate it but I feel so guilty and selfish if I think about myself.

My parents are currently in a tight situation and have been for a long time and it's an evil circle. Past has taught me and has been proven true again and again, that me spending money on myself, is a bad idea.

I buy a new phone or new shoes, weeks later, I tell myself "well, that wasn't smart" because then either my parents or sister or someone else is asking for money, because they're broke. And me being this overly generous person start to blame myself and feel like crap because, well I bought new shoes and can no longer help.

This has happened so many times, it's getting hilarious.

I'm helping my mom who's helping my sister and grandmother. So, you see, if I can't help her, she can't help my sister or my grandmother and we're all pretty much screwed.

And it sucks. I hate to say that it's not easy, because for every penny i lend out, my dream of moving out seems further and further away, all the while my sister is battering me for not moving out, for not doing this and that and it's really not fair because she's one of the reasons why I can't. It's like someone is shooting at your feet trying to make you run.

I'm beyond stressed and right now, I'm looking at my new phone, tearing up because I feel so guilty for having bought it, I feel absolutely terrible..

And I just don't know what to do. I live at home, I can't tell my mom that I won't help her anymore, that I want to be paid back, it'd be so wrong and so heartless and I don't want to be a heartless person...