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Originally Posted by healingme4me
One of the best relationships I've been involved in, didn't involve shared counseling to show us how to communicate, but bringing forth skills learned plus lessons learned about self introspection through our own therapy, support group and self work.
Sometimes navigating our own fears and triggers while trying to bring about healthy relationship behaviors, you can actually see your partner trying, too. Parent ourselves, so to speak. It's actually pretty cool, to notice. Builds trust and strength. Guess, that's why I've seen many promote individual counseling prior to couples.
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I'm sorry, I should've been clearer; I didn't mean shared or couple's counseling. I just meant have my own personal counseling sessions with the same therapist my boyfriend is having his sessions with. Not together, but separate.
I thought that might've been a good idea so that way she would know what's going on with both of us, and they did mention that eventually they would like to see us together anyway, but not until after some individual sessions.
I've been planning on seeing a free therapist at my university when classes start, but I've been really debating paying to see my boyfriend's counselor so that we wouldn't have separate therapists.
I definitely understand the need to work on the self first, before working on a relationship. You need to be happy and healthy yourself before you try to fix something else.
I REALLY want to work on myself with a therapist, specially because there are so many topics about me that aren't directly related to my relationship, too. Like childhood trauma and etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me
Is it, communicating or is it trust? Vulnerability? Fight/flight? Feeling unheard? Dismissed? And a few other unmet needs, I've seen in the postings?
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It's a bit of everything, really.
He broke my trust because he lied to me.
But he says the communication problems started even before then - he says that's actually what caused his lying.
But we REALLY started having problems after he lied.
Definitely a lot of unmet needs. So far, we've both expressed that we feel unheard, misunderstood, and dismissed. This confuses me, a little.
For me, a big problem is also our sexual lives. He NEVER wants to have sex. If I don't initiate it, it rarely ever happens.
I'm not pushy and I don't force him to do anything. As a result, we haven't had sex in months.
Even when we do, he can't finish, or he won't be able to stay up.
I'm not sure if it's all mental or if he has some underlying physical illness un-diagnosed. He's only 28 - this isn't normal.