I will just get to the point. I have really bad social anxiety/approval addiction. When people like me, fine, I am thrilled with that. When I sense or observe that someone reacts to me negatively, it throws me into an extremely sad, frustrated, self-hating state. I feel overwhelmed with loneliness, not to mention failure. Anyway, I don't know when this started but I have been recently trying to voice my frustration in rather stupid acts such as drinking things I know are bad for me, like diet soda, and eating things that I believe are self-harmful, such as foods containing high sodium, and chemicals such as saccharine, nutra-sweet, aspartame, etc.

I highly doubt this will kill me. I don't really want that, I don't think. I do suspect they will hurt me, which, I think, is what I am striving for. I don't really know why I have this need to hurt myself when frustrated. I suspect it might be, like, a way to say "{expletive} you" to a world I perceive as cruel and hurtful..

Anyway, it scares me! I want to stop but when my self image (extremely fragile) gets injured, I always gravitate towards doing the same to myself. I don't think I'm suicidal but I don't want to accidentally kill myself - I don't think I have the guts for that. (just today, I had such social pain, and I ordered my lunch with extra soy sauce and ate it like that, just because I figured that would hurt me).

Please help! Advice, reassurance, please!!!