I just joined these forums, but I've had symptoms of OCD since I was probably six or seven (I'm in my early twenties now). I've cycled through pretty much every obsession you can name and then some (a lot of harm themes--particularly self-harm--and sexual and religious themes), but the worst has been POCD by far. I've finally and thankfully realized that I'm not and will never be sexually interested in kids, but I've had a weird fear that spiraled off of that fear, a fear of encountering child porn online or even being associated with it in any way.

The compulsion is what's killing me. It started with me having to Google anything I typed or posted online, then progressed to looking up any words I read that we're unfamiliar to me, and finally to anything I think of. Sometimes I'd have to double or triple check. I'd have to scroll through pages of image results to make sure there was nothing on there that would freak me out, and investigate anything that looked suspicious. The vast, vast majority of the time, there would be nothing there that I was afraid of, but a few times I have stumbled across material that seemed inappropriate. This made the fears even worse, sometimes resulting in me feeling too physically ill, to do eat or sleep or even think.

Please, if you have any advice, I could use it. I've confided in the three people closest to me about this, but I could use the perspective of someone who understands OCD and how it works. I'm planning on getting back to therapy and starting my meds again (I was on 40mg of Prozac a day until I stupidly decided I was "cured"). This is literally destroying me. I feel terrible and disgusting every day. I don't even know how to love with this anymore.