Had a very long sleep last night... when I did finally wake, I was a bit sad and niffed as I was in the middle of what to me was an amazing dream... I was with my Dad and he was chatting with me and my Aunt (not so happy about her... was the bane of my life at times, but to see him was to see her as she cared for him in the latter years... a necessary evil I had to put up with). On awaking it was the slow transition of realizing that it had just been a dream and they were no longer alive. Was nice in a sort of bitter sweet kind of way... his voice was off in the dream, higher pitched (he had a deep gravely voice from years of smoking) but other than that... I just felt love.

Got a call from the crisis team at 2pm to check in on me and as of that point I was ok... not doing much, lacking in motivation but managing.

Come time to see my T I had a bit of a flip out as I thought we were going to be late (if things don't run smooth and according to schedule, my agitation starts to rise quick)... my wife was coming with me and we were going to get the bus.... she hadn't communicated with me prior that she thought I could go alone on my bike so had gone to get ready (takes me 5 minutes... takes her 40mins to 2 hours... is this a common woman thing... sorry for being a man on this :hashface: ).... come 20 mins before the appointment she was still not ready and there was no way we were going to get there in time. I was frantic as we were about to leave and hyperventilating... a draft rushed through the house as I was holding the door and it closed on my fingers... I flipped and instantly punched the wall on impulse

Wife grabbed me in a hug and told me to breath slowly... I did, collected my thoughts... said I'd cycle (at which she finally said she thought that's what I was going to do in the first place -.- )

Got there on time with 3 mins to spare (I'm a fast cyclist) and slightly out of breath. Wife had text her to say I'd be a bit late so she (t) was surprised to see me... did some calming techniques with me to reduce the adrenaline.

T session went ok, not going to elaborate to much on the point other than we talked about the conflict of hospital/home - anxiety/depression... in so much that at hospital my anxiety has been prevalent whereas at home with the lower stimulus my depression comes to the foreground and I will need to discuss this with my Psychiatrist on Thursday.

Another prevalent point that I guess (though uncomfortable... honest... but uncomfortable) I should discuss was something that needed to be talked about - my wife. I spoke to my T that I was having a hard time and I acknowledged that things were not going smoothly... wife has noted that my masks are great for dealing with others, however she has to deal with the real me... the fluctuations in mood, anxiety and unpredictability (all very honest and valid points... in short I probably seem like a bit of a bastard )... I had explained to my wife (and said to my T) that this was not so much that I wanted to be this way with her... but that because I trust her, love her and my guard is down... she sees the natural me, warts and all... and sadly my mh. T brought up that in truth this was a backhanded compliment but it is something I'm going to need to address... that during times where my mood is more level, to give extra attention to her.. give her hugs... do things round the house that makes life easier for her... show how much she is appreciated.. that though I might see it as a given... she needs to have it expressed... that living with someone with mh issues is very hard and that as her partner I need to (even if it's developing a small mask at hard points just for her) make it that more manageable.

Not sure if I've expressed the above very well... not very eloquently or whatever... I just know I love my wife... but I have to show her it more rather than just take it for granted that she knows.

Had dinner when I got home and gave her hugs... was honest and said what I'd talked about (in brief)... and that I'm sorry for the pressure I've put her under.

Slowly got ready and packed for returning to hospital... my anxiety was starting to rise up again... knowing I was going from the comfort of home and low stimulus to hospital and high stimulus... come time for leaving I had a bit of a melt down, refused to leave and ended up doing a fair bit of si... was really freaked out.

Wife calmed me down.. said she'd come visit me tomorrow and that she'd come to the hospital with me tonight. As we were going by bus I decided it was best if she just came to the bus stop with me... for her to return would be an hours wait in the dark (I got to hospital after 9... so she'd have had to travel back on her own at 10... not good and we can't really afford taxi's at the moment). She was concerned but I said I'd be ok.

On arrival to hospital and the entrance to the ward I almost backed out of going in... thought perhaps of calling the crisis team... lots of thoughts were running through my head:

What staff are going to be on tonight?
Is it going to be loud?
Can I handle being trapped on the ward for night when I've had the freedom of home for 4 days?
Which bed will I have? Am I going to have to deal with difficult patients in beds next and near to me?
Can I really do this?

All are probably pathetic reasons but were a big deal to me... + at some point I'm going to have to deal with my named nurse who I had an argument with last Wednesday.

Decided to just grit my teeth and walk in.

Ended up getting the same bed I've had for the last 6 weeks which was quite a surprise... usually you get moved around... but it was a comfort as I don't like change. Had my bags checked, set up my computer and typed this out.

Edit: Oh bloody great... just discovered that the bed opposite me is a level one patient (under line of sight observation at all times) so a member of staff is going to be sitting behind me while I'm on the computer and while I sleep... I know he/she won't be focussed on me... but it's just that small invasion of privacy as they can see me at any time.... meh... I guess on a slightly cynical note, I can't si on my bed if I'm pissed off so that's a kind of ironic bonus/irritation.