I hoe you are feeling better. I also think an inpatient program might be helpful. I am glad you are talking about your feelings on the forum. I hope it helps to jet get it out there. when I have bad anxiety, I try to keep telling myself it will be ok and just because I think it doesn't mean it's true. I also usually clean-lol. This may not work for you but hopefully you can try some things until you find a lifeline for those times when you need it. Oh also, I listen to hypnosis apps at night about self esteem. Sounds corny but it has really helped. Said a prayer for you.