I was very shy, introverted and reclusive as a kid, but I had a friend who was very outgoing and fun loving, he had a sense of humor and a carefree attitude, but I could see a sadness in his eyes that other people may not have noticed.

I sort of 'stole' his sense of humor or adopted it at least, and I use it to this day, It started when I was 14. I realized that I made everyone around me feel uncomfortable because of my own depression, I didn't want to spread my misery to others, I wanted people to get the impression that I'm fine.

People who knew me from the start suddenly said 'wow, I never knew you had such a great sense of humor!, where were you all these days?'

I do like making people smile, but I feel like punching myself in the face when the joke's over. It's kind of hard to describe, there's a little part of me that hates me for making others smile, it says 'how about dealing with your own depression for a change?'. It's amazing how easily people are convinced that I'm just a happy, carefree person.

I have to admit, it improved my body language, and it also made it easier for relate to people and make friends, but it makes it harder for me to convince them that I'm depressed when I do decide to open up once they get real close to me, and I feel like they should know.

My eyes never change, it's always sad, I wear a smile on my face, but I feel like if they looked straight into my eyes, they'd know. Oddly enough, I'm still a recluse, not many people know me, I'm just 'that weird funny guy who doesn't talk much'.

Sometimes I wake up and say 'screw it', I'm not going to pretend anymore, but when I see my friends and family, I cannot look miserable, I just don't want to.