So I've never been diagnosed with any type of depression. It does run in the family. But I have this horrible self esteem issue that's been going on for years and my boyfriend is the only one that knows about it. Others have no idea. But now he's tired of hearing me complain so I just need someone else I don't know to listen to me and maybe help me (even though I don't think I ever can be)... This is going to be long since I've never opened up to anyone about how I feel.

I'm 23 and been self conscious about my body. Mainly my boobs. I've always told my boyfriend that I don't like them. They're too small. And now that I just had a baby I've been saying now they have stretch marks, one is bigger and saggier than the other.

Well knowing how self conscious I am... The other night I found out he was watching porn. He said at first it was only of me. Well I asked to see his internet history. Guess what pops up right as he opens it? He was trying to hide it. So not only was he making me feel bad but he was also lying to me.

I had the biggest anxiety attack. I was uncontrollably shaking, crying, couldn't breathe. All while my boyfriend is getting pissed off because I was "over reacting"/ saying sorry/ trying to help me even stand/ leaving he was so mad. I could tell he was torn in between all of those.

He kept telling me he loves me and my body especially after having our baby boy that he's even more attracted to me. But this isn't just making me depressed. It's like an obsession. Note I am usually not a crazy woman. But I am always thinking about it. Nonstop. So when I think about it I'm feeling the same way I was feeling the other night (minus the shaking).

Since then (maybe tmi) we got intimate many times. Even more pictures and videos (again maybe tmi) that he says that will be the only ones used. But I don't know if I believe that. Anyways, one night I asked him why he's been so sexual since that night and he told me because he loves me and it made him realize how much he really is attracted to me.

I felt... Self conscious, like I can't give him what he needs or be like who he wants to see online. If he thinks I'm so amazing, why watch porn and let me help? He said he did look at pictures of me that he has... So I felt like ok so if I started it, am I not good enough for you to finish? Yes, I helped start by making him aroused but my body isn't good enough for you to get your pleasure from because you can't finish unless it's someone else?

I have always been self conscious but I have been obsessed with it for almost a week. And it's just made it worse. I can't stop thinking about it. Ever. I'll go to sleep crying. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and cry.

I feel terrible and now reaching out for someone to listen to me. I've talked to him so many times he's getting mad because he doesn't want to hear about it anymore. Like I said above he always says he loves me, he loves my body, that he doesn't want me to get a boob job one day that I've always talked about. But I've told him that the boob job will make me happier but it still won't completely change how I feel about myself or change how I feel about porn. I want to be the only one, it makes me feel terrible.

He tells me he's sorry that he did it. But I don't know if he means it. I'm to the point... Even though he says it, I don't know if he really means it. I don't know if he's just saying it to shut me up. I don't know if I believe him anymore or if I should. I'm in so much doubt.

Over reacting?