Quote:
Originally Posted by Clara22
Hi Nat92,
You remind me my father. I think he was like you. Once he was very ill at the hospital and the treatment team sent a psychologist for him. He told us that one of the exercises she made him do was to bring the first memory of his childhood. He said it was that he was trying to comfort his mom that was crying because they were poor my grandfather would not work enough and would spend the little money he earned in drinks (at bars). My father was a man that tried to fulfill desires and needs of other people in his life at risk of his own life. The psychologist told him that he has been programmed by his parents and early events to be like that and that it was not healthy.
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I was bullied and excluded from the first day of school and me and my siblings went to the same school, so while my sister wasn't as protective of my brother as I was, I always kept an eye on him in the school yard. He was an easy target was well as I was, but he had ADHD and years later when to a special school for kids with bigger needs. No one ever looked out for me and though my parents did try to help, they gave up way too soon.
I never do anything for selfish reasons, I do it out of love and I so more than anything want things to go smoother for my family... Of course at the cost of my own well-being... I was never taught to love myself, I was taught to dress properly, to do my home-work and to not skip school. I skipped school a lot, lied a lot and I'm still lying, to protect my family.
I just wish they had seen the signs earlier, acted and not been ignoring me. I know having 3 kids is hard, but I wish they had fought a little harder, done things differently. I'd stay strong for my kids, I'd not ever let them suffer the way I'm suffering...
But it's easy to say that, I guess..
I however am trying so hard to remain strong, to not break though I'm so close and I know I'm just damaging myself more and more.
But it's my family.. and I couldn't bear breaking their hearts..