Ok.... well back and sort of on an even keel.

After the above post I wrote it out by hand (most of it) and handed it to a nurse... did not have neither the energy nor inclination to talk... just needed to make someone aware. Went back to my bed space and just laid on my bed... was trying hard to just disconnect, and my eyes became sleepy though I didn't sleep.

Not once did a member of staff come to check on me and my wife got here an hour late (bus problems)... I refused to come out to see her... was in no condition to and we got into a rather weird text conversation as visitors aren't allowed into patients rooms. Told her I'd given a letter to a member of staff and that I was sorry... but I just had nothing left.

(transpires she asked the very nurse I'd given the letter to and he denied knowledge of it).

Anxiety started to kick in and she sent a text saying she would leave but she loved me... well I burst into tears and came out... saw the nurse I'd given the letter to and asked him what was the point in being in hospital if I could quite easily be at home with no one speaking to me... rather than surrounded by 'trained' staff who don't even bother to check to see if I'm ok (I'd self harmed, but that's besides the point).

Wife pulled me away as I was in tears and had punched the wall in pure frustration. Went back out and said direct 'it's pointless me being here isn't it?' to which he nodded... I asked for a doctor to be called so I could be signed out for more home leave.

Went back to my wife and she slowly calmed me down... went back out after a while to check what was happening with the dr and spk to the lady nurse on shift... explained everything that had happened, she read my letter and expressed both surprise that the other nurse had agreed I shouldn't be here... and that she would talk to me in a quieter area if I could give her 5 minutes (I was in tears again).

We spoke and I just told her how frustrated and alone I felt at hospital... that at least at home the depression was still the same as well as the suicidal thoughts... but as I wasn't surrounded by people who I should be able to talk to but can't, the anxiety doesn't kick in as much and I'm able to manage just that little easier... that if push came to shove I could call the crisis team (or cpn when I get one) which would be a quicker response than the nothing I get here.

She said that based on the suicidal thoughts, hospital was a better place for me to be, but she understood the anxiety, frustration and emotional crisis being here was doing. We also talked about me worrying about talking to my named nurse tomorrow (as I'm nervous as hell due to argument... and she has restricted me to only talking to registered nurses when in crisis to reduce mixed messages... not so much a problem now)... she's going to have a word with her tomorrow as they are on the same shift together.

That 5 minute chat grounded me... I was still crying... even as I went for a walk with the wife... but it grounded me.

Staying in hospital tonight and tomorrow.