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Originally Posted by vonmoxie
What an insightful thread. I've been working towards a possible reuniting of sorts with my NPD sister, 7 years older than me and someone I looked up to from earliest childhood, but who toyed with my affection for years. I suppose I was way too convenient an outlet for her to gaslight. She eventually got so good at it that I couldn't be around her anymore.
To be able to understand more objectively though, what it is she's really trying to do, as opposed to having only feeling toyed with to focus on, could I think go a long way towards my being able to deal with that aspect of her behavior.
I hadn't looked at it in quite those terms.
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I recommend doing just that, finding out more about it, and learning the objectivity necessary to understand why she (and most NPD's) do what she does. It doesn't excuse bad behaviour, of course....nothing excuses bad behaviour, especially if it's consistently repeated. But in the case of NPD's, it is not something they have chosen to do...it is a defense mechanism, and much easier to understand, when viewed that way.
The hurt for the non, may still be there, even after all that...but the mitigation of understanding from a point of view unhindered by emotion cannot be stressed enough as a true value, both to the non and to the NPD involved.
I wish you luck and patience....you'll have need of both. I trust, after your post, you have already grasped 'genuine interest'. To acquire the latter two, genuine interest is all you need.
Take care....