My SI is strange, I take pills, codeiene, and paracetomol, and then feel elated that I am punishing myself secretly...by the end of the day I am physically sick..I never take them all one go but do take a mixture every couple of hours....then the next day like today I can't believe I did it...can't understand what came over me...its like I am playing russian roulette...that I have a fantasy I want to die...but I dont really want to die...not once i'm back in my "normal" mind...I dont' get it...why am I doing this???? I dont want to die this way!!