Hey.. I'm 15 and a girl, for starters. And I haven't been diagnosed with OCD.

I know that most teenagers question their sexuality. Especially now that gay/bi/trans is in the media and widely accepted. My best friend is a lesbian and my other best friend is a transman. I TOTALLY support them whole-heartedly. I've always been an advocate for gay rights. I actually wrote a paper on Marriage Equality.

For a few months, I've been terrified of falling for everyone/everything.. parents, family, kids, old people, animals, even stuffed animals. Anything you can imagine.

Right now the fear is being gay. All I want is to fall in love with a man but now I'm terrified of being gay.

I've dated 2 boys before. I fell in love with both of them, felt sparks for them, was turned on by them. I have had a mountain of crushes on boys! A boy could simply look at me and I'd be aroused. I was basically obsessed with falling in love up until I started having what I think is OCD.

I've kissed/made out with girls before. I feel nothing. I'm not aroused by them. I've even been touched by other girls down stairs or my breasts and I feel nothing. It's nothing like being touched by a boy. When I'm not attracted to a boy and I kiss him, I feel sick. When I kiss a girl, I don't even feel sick, I just feel nothing.

I've never had a crush on a girl. There have been three girls that wanted to date me but I just don't like girls...

Now I'm entirely paranoid of being gay.

I'm a teenager so obviously I'm going to be hormone-crazed. But I'm terrified of being intimate with boys, even holding a boys hand. (This is the result of a 20 year old man using me for sex four months ago) I was never scared of falling for people before him. Anyway, so I haven't been next to or near a boy besides my dad in a long time.

I also never ever leave the house. I've left the house maybe three times over my whole summer break. I'm starting school (10th grade, public school) in just 13 days. I'm so terrified to be around humans.

I just don't want to be gay.... all I wanna do is fall in love with a guy some day. I just want to be myself.

I KNOW I'm not gay... but then I worry that I'm suppressing feelings.

I was watching fashion videos on YouTube before and I looked at the girls breasts and then I got so terribly sick to my stomach and cried for an hour.

The only thing is, I have masturbated to girls in the past. Or watched lesbian pornography. But it's always been a fantasy thing, nothing I'd actually do because I'm completely straight in real life...

... or so I thought ..

:'(

I'm going crazy.

I have therapy in 2 days but I feel so suicidal, I don't know if I can emotionally make it much longer... I'm not planning on leaving my room. I won't hurt myself but I just FEEL like I can't get over this.


I'm a girl