he did forget me.
he walked out the door and never really looked back.
when i was in hospital they called a 'family meeting' and they invited my dad.
the p-doc said to my father that i felt like he abandoned me.
i NEVER said that to the p-doc
i felt numb
my father stood up and said 'i did NOT abandon my daughter'.
p-doc started to say that regardless of what happened that was how I FELT
but he was already out the door.
several weeks later: round two.
we waited for half an hour and he never showed up.
he walked out when i was 7
when i was 14 i was put in a social welfare home
know what he says about that now?
'i thought you were happy there'
he never came to visit me
he thought i was happy.

my t assures me he leads a full and varied life and that i don't need to worry about him being over involved
i can hear the excitement in his voice as he talks about his busy and varied life
emails...
he said he may take a couple days to respond
yeah well its been over a week now.

maybe baby died. i'm not strong enough to deal with him dealing with that.
maybe something happened. i'm not strong enough for that.
or maybe... he forgot about me
he forgot

its too hard

i'm not strong enough. i want to run... i have a deadline and it isn't happening. i'm crumbling. whatever strength i had is crumbling. he can't be affecting me this much. i won't allow it. i'm wiping my hands of him. i really don't see what else is to be done. this can't go on.