I'm not sure where to start. I am in need of help and not sure how to get it. I tried reaching out to my family, it's been almost 2 weeks now, and it hasn't seem to phase them.

I gave them all links to my very emotional, very open blog and emailed videos that I have made during severe episodes because I wanted them to fully see what I have been really struggling with. To this day, they have yet to read my blog and have yet to say anything about these videos. I've only gotten excuses of being too busy and "I will soon." I've tried all I can to express that it's beyond what it's ever been but nothing has been done.

I met with my grandparents and cried and tried to openly talk. You can clearly see now that I've changed. I'm weak, pale and emotionless. We talked about treatment but they left for vacation the next day. I spoke to them on Sunday and began to try when my grandfather asked how I was but was soon cut off because his breakfast was served.

I met with both of my parents (whom are divorced and rarely meet together) to talk as well. They both watched me break down and I told them I was so exhausted and I had begun to no longer feel. I told them both how I've been relentlessly calling hospital after hospital, doctor after doctor and even read through all 100 pages of my insurance policy trying to find something. Neither offered to help and neither has. Since that day my father has yet to call and check on me.

The past few days everything has faded. There's no crying because there's no emotion. I'm numb and there's nothing left. I've never been this way and I don't know what to do. My mother called me on Saturday and I told her that I was so exhausted and I needed help, I couldn't feel and death was on my mind. I told her I might need to go to the hospital and her response was "call me if you do" not "I'm coming over" or "I'm coming to get you." She was on her way to some social thing so obviously it wasn't important.

When I told them I needed help I didn't mean a month later or even days later. I meant I needed it then and now I'm so far past that point I honestly don't know what to do. I've become numb, I don't feel anything anymore and it does feel like if they tried they couldn't reach through. Nothing can.

I feel so stranded. I know this is one big jumbled up negative post and I apologize but I just don't know what to do. I had a apt with my pDoc today and my mother went. I look like hell, you can clearly see I'm struggling. I told her EVERYTHING. I can no longer function, my job is struggling because I'm forgetting things and I have no energy to focus. I can't feel, I'm exhausted and I need treatment and needed to consider short term disability to seek it.

I don't want to loose my job but at this rate I will loose it anyways as my efficiency is suffering profoundly. My pDoc's response was that she doesn't want me to loose my job and gave me samples of Latuda and said I should setup therapy and then possibly out patient therapy.

What should I do? I feel so abandoned. I have to my pDoc on board if I want to successfully get treatment without going broke. My insurance is tied up in all sorts of pre authorizations and going to the ER to get committed would have me feeling like I'm escaping a train wreck that I'll have to return to. I know if my mind isn't at peace knowing that when I get out things will have somewhat of a easy transition that I'll drive myself that much further away from any benefit.

Does anyone have any advice? After the news of Robin Williams I've been getting text all day but some that are trying to strike fear into my heart by telling me I'll go to hell if I take my life and that I need to get help. How can I get help when everyone just says they'll help but aren't actually doing anything??