I am depressed. Really depressed. I have had episodes of depression on and off since the age of 4 (perhaps earlier but I don't remember much before age 4). I suspect the have ADHD although I'm not very hyperactive. I am really afraid to have a doctor poking his or her hands all over my body. I am really afraid to take drugs. I've tried going to church and thinking positively. I've read self-help books and all that. I'm really depressed because my baseball team is mucking up. They haven't won in some time. The other day they played for 7 hours--19 innings and lost. Every day I hope they will win but it's the same thing. My cat died about a year and a half ago. My mother died two and a half years ago. I'm old. I'm fat. I am a lousy worker. I live alone. I don't have any social life--although I seek it, most people I see just want to talk about their children and grandchildren. I don't drive. The people in my neighborhood pretty much stay with their families. They do good deeds and nice things for me but I don't want to be their welfare project I want to be their friend--although many of them don't have friends--just families. I live in Utah. When I was married I had a lot of expensive and painful tests to try to have a baby. I have to teach children in church. I don't like to do it because it reminds me of what I'll never have. I feel lousy about life and what the future holds.