I'm new to this forum and I've noticed there's also a few new people here too. From what I understand, it's okay to start a thread to talk about how you're feeling or get feedback. (Someone please correct me if I'm doing it wrong.) I'm writing this about how I feel about my week-old BP dx and asking for some feedback from those of you who have dealt with this for longer.

I'm filled with anxiety right now. Seeing my psychologist tomorrow for the first time since getting my BP I dx last week, and telling her the official outcome of the neuropsych eval I got. I've had a great therapeutic relationship with her for the past four years, she's seen me at rock bottom of my PTSD and back, and has been invaluable this year in helping me battle my depression. I've even discussed with her my suspicions that I might have BP in the past (problem with that is I didn't see her when I was last hypomanic because I felt I "wasn't depressed any longer"). I trust her immensely, and I know she will be the same steady rock for me that she has been in the past.

All that considered, I'm just so nervous about actually saying the words to her tomorrow and I don't know why. (Both my pdocs won't get the official neuropsych report until the end of this month.) Maybe it's something about it feeling so "final," or maybe this is all just really sinking in now. I've spent the last week reflecting back on my life and realizing times where I was definitely experiencing mania and hypomania. I just honestly always thought my hypomanic state was my "normal," and my depressions took me away from that, and that's where I was always trying to get back to. It's very disconcerting to look at yourself from an entirely different perspective, and realize that you've had it all wrong this whole time.

Just reread Kay Redfield Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind," and it reminded me that BP tends to get worse if untreated. I've realized also this week that a couple of "rough nights" I'd chalked up to having too much to drink a few years back were actually psychotic mixed episodes. After doing some more research about BP I, I've also realized that I occasionally have mildly psychotic thoughts that I've always found super intrusive, distressing, and always hated, because they're usually violent images that I have no idea where they came from. That, obviously, is not good, but I am a little relieved that there seems to be a reason for the thoughts, at least.

So, now I'm just feeling lucky that there hasn't been anything worse or more damaging that has happened to me or anyone around me since my last identifiable psychotic mixed episode. The worst has been my unrestrained spending, hypersexuality getting me in trouble, and episodes of uncontrollable rage which destroyed two good friendships (though I also question how good of friends they were if they saw me in such a state and didn't think something was wrong, having known me for many years). Now, very ironically, I'm almost thankful that I've been mostly severely depressed for the past year and a half, because it means that the time bomb ticking on my next manic episode hasn't gone off, and maybe with the right medicines, it won't go off, or at least won't be as much of an explosion when it does.

At the same time, man, I HATE my depression. I hate everything about it, I hate the hopelessness, the sheer amount of energy it takes just to do the most basic things, all while pretending to be fine to the outside world, just to get by with work and school, coming home and collapsing from exhaustion. The sleeping my life away. The irritability, the agitation, the lack of emotion, the worthlessness, the stigma, the pain, everything. I really want it to go away and never come back, and the last time it came back with a vengeance the beginning of this year, I had believed that I'd "finally beaten it for good" after starting Wellbutrin XL last August. It really hit me hard that no matter what I do, it's never going to stop coming back, and seemingly without any warning. At least now I know why it keeps coming back after feeling great for awhile!

I am nervous about making medication changes because of BP, but I realize this is something that needs to be done to help myself. I've done a lot of research on the various medications available so I'll feel comfortable talking with my psychiatrist about them when I see him Friday. I know for sure that I can't keep taking Abilify, even at 2mg it gives me the most annoying muscle twitches and makes me feel flat and emotionless. I don't want to be a zombie, I still want to feel like me. I think that's what I'm most scared of—that the medications are going to make me feel less like myself and more like...something or someone else. I'm hoping I can find the right blend of medications that will help me feel something like "normal," which I honestly am clueless as to what that would be. Not hypomanic and not depressed, somewhere in between? Happy, but not omgI'msohappyIcouldscream? I can't imagine life without feeling my emotions as intensely as I do, and always have.

For those of you who have had success with your medication therapies, what does "normal" or homeostasis feel like to you? Do you still feel like you're "you," or do you feel you've had to trade off parts of yourself in order to maintain balance? Do you notice a marked difference in the processing of your emotions with and without medication?

Thank you in advance for any feedback anyone can provide. I'm slowly sifting through my life and putting these pieces together, and this forum has been a surprisingly amazing source of comfort, even though I've only had my dx for a week. It's hard opening up, but this is making me realize I need to look at everything as a possible symptom, and not just the things I feel are "clinically relevant." I really thank anyone who takes the time to read and reply to this.