You know, you're out in the ocean and all the sudden, out of nowhere a HUGE wave comes and knocks you off your feet. You're under water for a few seconds before you can pull yourself back up the surface only to have another wave knock you down again. It just keeps happening.

To sum up my current ocean, it looks like this:
A month ago the man I was in love with moved many states away. He lost his job due to unfortunate circumstances and applied all over the country for a new job. The only place that took him was across the country. We were in a quasi-relationship...not an official item but definitely some sort of dysfunctional relationship-like thing. There will come a day when I realize him moving to take on his new job was the best thing for me. But for now, I miss him. Our parting was awkward, we had little to no closure and it hurt...a lot.

On the heels of that heartbreak, my best friend quit her job. We work together. She's moving far away too, in just a few weeks.

We work in a toxic environment. Our department has seen a 30% turnover in the past few months. 9 people have been terminated or quit in the past four months. Everyone complains how difficult it is to work where we do. We're social workers for homeless families...so...you can imagine the stress and burnout. Basically, my best friend and I knew that one of us would leave first. Either she would reach the breaking point and dip out or I would find a job in the career path that I want (I just got my Masters degree in May) and leave. Well, she got to leave first.

With those two big "ocean waves" comes little waves. Like the fact I've been at this job for 5 years and it is a dead end job. There is no room for advancement. We're not getting raises. I can't earn a promotion. I'm stuck. My talents and passions lie in a completely different field which I've been trying to break into for a year and a half but I keep getting rejected. (Despite having experience and graduating top of my class).

Every day is looking just a little more difficult. My entire support system at my job has quit. I'm stuck here because I can't afford (no offense but Obama insurance). After I graduated my friends have moved. Valuable friendships have ended for no reason. I envision a positive future for myself but seem to be insanely stuck on how to get there. I just keep getting dragged down, incident after incident.

My parents tell me to get over it. Give myself a shake. Change what I can and stop letting other people's lives effect mine. My best friend at work (the one that is moving soon) says get therapy. As does my other best friend who lives a state away. My supervisors go from having a casual discussion at the lunch table about depression and suicide (aftermath of Robin Williams' untimely passing) to telling me "its not about you" when I express sadness that my best friend and key support is leaving our job and moving away.

I would like everyone to shut up.

This is probably the saddest and loneliest I've ever felt in my entire life.

*I do not have ideations, intentions, or thoughts of suicide or self harm*

Yes. We know. Go talk to someone. Get therapy. I'm trying to work to do that. Every time I spoke with a therapist, it was in an academic setting. In my mind there is some sort of clear divide between counselors in college/grad school and the real world counselors. They are the same people with the same credentials...but in my mind they are different. I've had bouts of counseling 3 times in my life. Oh, I'm also deathly afraid of being put on meds...for I know I struggle with depression.

Thanks for letting me rant.