fuzzy,
I am not a wise person - so I can not say something magical and "fix" your issues. Sorry. But this is laying on my heart and I send it to you:

Your pain is deep. It is nearly impossible to believe, but your pain is an honor. It is God saying - I know you can handle this and you will be a beacon to others who are also suffering. They will look to you.

Mighty impressive that God has that much trust in you. And when this eventually passes; then you will have one heck of a story.

Hang in there. You are loved.