Quote:
Originally Posted by Double Edge
I am nervous about making medication changes because of BP, but I realize this is something that needs to be done to help myself. I've done a lot of research on the various medications available so I'll feel comfortable talking with my psychiatrist about them when I see him Friday. I know for sure that I can't keep taking Abilify, even at 2mg it gives me the most annoying muscle twitches and makes me feel flat and emotionless. I don't want to be a zombie, I still want to feel like me. I think that's what I'm most scared of—that the medications are going to make me feel less like myself and more like...something or someone else. I'm hoping I can find the right blend of medications that will help me feel something like "normal," which I honestly am clueless as to what that would be. Not hypomanic and not depressed, somewhere in between? Happy, but not omgI'msohappyIcouldscream? I can't imagine life without feeling my emotions as intensely as I do, and always have.
For those of you who have had success with your medication therapies, what does "normal" or homeostasis feel like to you? Do you still feel like you're "you," or do you feel you've had to trade off parts of yourself in order to maintain balance? Do you notice a marked difference in the processing of your emotions with and without medication?
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Thanks for posting something so self-reflective- I really appreciated the observations about your friends not helping you when you were clearly in need & in a manic state. Giving up on certain friendships has been the hardest part of my illness.
First and foremost- it took me a long time to get the right med combination. When I was initially diagnosed- I felt very emotionally flat and as though I lost a big part of my personality. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to drive a car again because the medication left me so fatigued. In my case- I had a major psychotic break and spent four weeks in the hospital. I needed to get the extra rest to re-set my mind and decrease the probability of having a manic episode. It took me four months of being heavily medicated to having my dosage levels drastically decreased. From there, I was able to decrease again at 10 months post breakdown.
So really make sure that you are keeping your p-doc updated on side effects and how you're feeling about the medicine. But keep in mind- the medication may be able to be switched to something with less side effects once you allow your mind to re-set.
When the medicine started to work the way it was intended to- I found myself missing the racing thoughts. The world really slowed down and I didn't have a lot to replace it with (lost friends, didn't really have any meaningful hobbies that I could focus on) I really thought that they allowed me to be ahead of the game. It took me a while to accept that my racing thoughts were an involuntary response and they weren't something that benefitted me. That my accomplishments were in spite of the racing thoughts, not because of them.
Hope this helps you!